No Longer

When your biggest fear is will it hurt and what will happen, then you're biggest fear becomes what will happen now and how will I feel about it now..

I can't believe how it happened.. It was so fast..

All I remember was us kissing on the couch, and the next thing I knew, we were having sex.. My first time since I was raped..

It was so...bittersweet, if that's even the word..

He was amazing, and sweet.. He was the sweetest guy I could ever imagine being with as my "first time.."

And after it happened I told him to lay down with me, and I told him..

I said, "Thank you.. Thank you so much.. You are my first time since I was raped, xx years ago.. I just wanted to thank you for making it so comfortable for me.. I was so worried about it prior to the event, and you made me so comfortable and so unafraid.. I really do love you, you know that, right?"

He just lay there with me and replied with an "I love you, too," and laid there with me for most of the night..

I could never forget it..

If only it could have been at a different situation.. Things happened that should not have.. I just wish that I didn't have to make my best friend so uncomfortable over a thing like that, what happened.. That is my only regret about that night..